"I just realized that"

Procrastination is like masturbation:

It's all good until you realize
you just fucked yourself.

"Only the left side."

That is the only place on a street
where cars should be coming at you.

Unless you live in England.

Whereas I could give a fuck
what side they come at you.

"Getting over my dog's fascination with licking his..."

The sun shines through
my bedroom window
and covers my sheets in warmth
like untouchable sex

and I sit here wanting
nothing more than to pet my dog
and tell him he is a good dog.
Because he is a good dog.

"You know you are getting old when"

You fart more often
than you speak during the day
and with more gusto.

[is that a haiku? argh. shit... if so, it was completely coincidental.]

"To all of my fan."

I love you so.
And by "love you so"
I mean that I feel for you
in a non-threatening,
non-sexual, completely
platonic, non-bromance,
when I think of you doing
non-sexual things like
pet your cat or change
channels on your television
or make ramen
kind of way.

In a manner of speaking.

Otherwise I miss you and
can't get you out of my mind.

I've been wanting to publish the Tails of the Village Idiot part two on Amazon, but just can't seem to get around to it.

Any other poets on here?

This is my first Toot.

Is that supposed to be capitalized?



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