Here's my 10 seconds of courage. I wrote this a while ago, and I'm entering it into a nonfiction memoir contest. It's pretty personal. What do you guys think?
@Jacobevans 1/3 First of all: thanks for being one of just a few who are using writing.exchange to, well, exchange writing.
This piece is brave, and your voice is pure. The writing works on the most important level in that the concept succeeds. You're pulling back the curtain on very private moments. Because your writing feels sincere and vulnerable, we connect with you in a way we otherwise wouldn't.
When I used to teach non-fiction writing, I saw very few pieces this successful.
@Jacobevans 2/3 So, I've two gentle insights to offer -- things for you to consider and weigh. Don't do anything because I suggest it; address these issues only if doing so feels right to you.
First: beware preciousness. If Michael the Mormon is named for obvious reasons (and he is), consider whether you want to call out that obviousness by saying it's obvious. If, in talking to me, you'd say a phrase like "the bird's dawn chorus," then keep it. If you wouldn't, then reconsider it.
@Jacobevans 3/3 Finally: the piece ends with a vulnerable moment that we get to see directly: an emotional outburst in the airport that evokes tenderness from a stranger. That's in contrast to Jacob in paragraph 1, with his facade of pleasantries. Currently, you tell us about that Jacob -- you describe him. I wondered whether this transformation would be more powerful if, instead of telling us, you showed him to us: one scene that captures his reluctance to make an honest connection.
@Jacobevans that's a beautiful piece of writing. It tells us in several ways what love truly is. It is not a selfish, greedy emotion, but thoughtful, honest and patient. True.
A story of the sun, the stars and a waning, soulful moon.
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