So I thought about it, and decided to make a few of those revisions you suggested. I think the small things you suggested (about preciousness and obviousness) were warranted, and that it flows easier.
I was hesitant to change anything else, but you made a fair point with "showing" rather than "telling". Would you care to read the revised section?

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@Jacobevans My take: this piece works, and approaches the lyrical in places. One parting question: do you need the final paragraph? Maybe ... maybe not, depending on the moment you want to leave us in. Good work, J.

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