"“Per my usual form,
I can’t help but perform,
He says I’m so fake, no real form

Perform, staged, lies, fake
Fake, fake, fake, fake,
Lies, liar, lying,

He’s right isn’t he,
I’m a fake human,
No real emotions
A performer on a fake stage,
Nothing behind the curtains
An empty shell,
Endless movie hell

A irredeemable character,
Living life like it’s a movie
Manic dramatic pixie girl

as an example of an excerpt of a first draft that still needs work but has potential

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been back to writing trauma fuelled angry poetry type stuff if it wasn’t obvious from that last post. though i’m not sure realistically if writing it for anything more than just catharsis is a good idea but i’m pretty proud of how some of them have come out so far; especially for first drafts

how are you even supposed to edit poetry / spoken type stuff? like it's supposed to be bitter and getting out trauma feels but I'm not sure how exactly I'm supposed to go about editing stuff like this...

why must all my story ideas be dark and involve traumatic themes...

what kills my creative motivation more, perfectionism or feeling like I somehow must write something that people might buy or at least read?

The worst part is that it really seems like something that could end up being good.

and like this means that this whole project could be what I spend the majority of my creative time working on which gives me conflicting feelings

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Me: hmm a story series is going to be quite a bit of work but i feel like it’s manageable

Also me: what if i also wrote a side series focusing on the secondary character?

That simultaneous feeling of excitement and OH NO! when you get a new project idea eh?

I really need to stop measuring my productivity by word count or words per hour, it might be useful for some people, but all it really does it puts more pressure on me. (and adds to my perfectionism feelings of having never done enough)

I guess this side character is basically turning into me 🤷‍♀️

also how come it's way harder to write my second project compared to my first? shouldn't I have gotten used to how to do it and how I work best when I was doing the first?

I wish there was bits of the Ellie story I could share but it's a compete mess at the moment lol (at least writing wise, I think plot and characters are decent it just needs to be technically better)

trauma feels, swearing, repetitive text 

just a little bit from the kinda stuff i've been writing recently lol (its still a first draft)

@ myself
first drafts don't need to be perfect
first drafts don't need to be perfect
first drafts don't need to be perfect
first drafts don't need to be perfect

my protag/ important character progression;
first book : protag who dislikes being human and wishes she was a robot
current project : main character that isn't the protag, cybernetically enhanced
idea in my head right now: robot protag trying to come to grips with her inhumanity

I'm noticing a trend here...

not really sure if this writing project is a good idea but it sure is getting out a lot of trauma feels

one thing i didn’t really think about when wanting to write an ongoing series/ something i release in parts, is how my perfectionism makes it hard to even think about the idea of putting something out there when the whole rest of it isn’t finished. like what if i want to change something later lol

Still unsure whether it’s better and easier to just put all the parts together as one novel length thing, or to keep it split as shorter form things

looking forward to intense dialogue between [NAME] and [CHARACTER]

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At some point, and even being 30k words into my first draft(s) i’m not there yet apparently, i’m going to have to name some of these characters lol

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