Mara Cavanaugh @mara_cav_@writing.exchange

If anyone is ever feeling suicidal please dm me. I'm not a certified anything, but I've been close to suicide.

I am always here to be a nonjudgmental listening ear. I may not be able to respond right away because I have a job and other adult obligations, but I will always respond eventually.

I can't convince you to live. I can try, but ultimately that's on you.

What I can do is be your moral support cheerleader here on the Fediverse.

So I'm here.

And you will never bother me.

Note: If I make grammatical mistakes in my toots, I'm just mentally stimulated at the time. If I delete and retoot it's likely because of cringe grammar.

Currently working on nixing that with some grammar workbooks.

It’s easy to freak out when you hallucinate and see something leave the corner of your eye. Even easier when you have intrusive thoughts and begin to think you’re crazy or something is trying to harm you.

It might not help to tell yourself it was just a hallucination. Because what you saw was very real.

But it might help to tell yourself and believe whatever was there was helping you. It scared you because you weren’t expecting it, but all it did was appear.

Okay, the new Firefox update is cute.

Buuuuuut I took up drawing not too long ago. I'm thinking if I work hard at honing that I could finally visualize all the songs I love 😊

It doesn't seem to matter how much time passes in between — I always come back to writing.

I just wrote a script/outline for a music video. I have a playlist of songs I have music video plots/ideas for. Some of them are songs I heard when I was lil tween and some of them are recent bops.

I love music and I enjoy great music videos. Most music videos, however, are filmed live-action. I'm way too introverted to develop the connections needed to film and produce that kind of music video.

It's fucking hard hearing "no, no, and nope" after multiple job interviews. There's only so much self-reflection you can do over and over until you come to the conclusion that you're probably not what people are looking for.

I'm trying not to focus on the feeling of inadequacy and being unwanted.

I haven't felt like writing during all this, part of me feels ashamed for that. I know I shouldn't be.

I have been drawing daily, so that's something.

It's so so so so *surreal* to hear callbacks to old Final Fantasy soundtracks and notice plot parallels to old FF games.

I've never really felt part of any fandom or culture, but if I did "feel" a part of anything it would definitely be the classic FF fandom.

...Oh how I miss my little Gameboy Advance.

Finally got to the Bachelor's second day 🥴

I know I need to apply a similar, active mindset to my life outside of gaming. That would help me not be so concerned with escaping and more concerned with the actual reality of my life.

This is easier said than done, of course.

I spent so much time pre-Covid handling other people's problems as my job. It's weird being able to focus so much time on me after years of doing basically the opposite for 40 hours/week.

I don't want to get comfortable being like this, because I will have to start (full-time) college again in a few months.

It feels nice to "work" toward something that won't have tangible consequences. Games have always had that simple comfort.

Got the community center done in one year. It only took me like... five tries 🥴

With that random-ass goal out of the way maybe I can finally get back to writing consistently.

It's nice to have all this free time not working. But the escapist in me just wants to fast-forward through Covid with ease.

It's selfish, but I want to be a (sometimes) careless 20-something and hang out with friends without having to worry about exposing the person I live with.

This shit is so fucking unnerving. I love it.

Also, still haven't gotten past day one.

Not sure if I died because of hunger or I didn't accomplish enough on day one 🤔

I'd like to think I did enough and my dumbass not feeding him was the only reason I got the "u suck 🙂" cutscene