Evil seems absolute. With cruelty, there may not be room for redemption but there is room for context. But maybe Interpol's talking about people who's actions can't be clarified through context. The people who do the inexplicably immoral.

It's hard for me to believe in absolutes, so that's probably why I often have this song on repeat...

Also the bassline is just really good too.

"When your friends they do come crying tell them now your pleasure's set upon slow release"

— Evil, Interpol

———

I feel like this song describing the descent to being "evil" and the people who would rather leave said evil unaddressed. But I don't really believe that anyone can be evil. I believe that people can be cruel and cruelty can be ignored, but every cruel person will always have, have had, or will have that one kindness for someone or something.

One of the most beautiful feelings is when you find out someone you love doesn't hate you for stupid stuff you've done. They love you just the same no matter what. I wish this feeling would be present in other relationships I'm engaged in. But I'll take what I can get 😊

I don't like lying. I absolutely hate it. Even lies of omission get to me sometimes.

As a petite girl, if you're a dude asking me for a favor I feel frightened when I say no and then you pressure me.

Yes, I did have change on me. But I am not going to give it to you because what happens if I do that and then next time it happens I get robbed or worse. It often feels like I can't be nice to strangers without karmic strings attached.

"So if you need a hero
Just look in the mirror"

— After The Storm, Kali Uchis

———

Music is an anchor for me. I take from music what I take.

This song got me through leaving a toxic environment. I know for a fact I'd be dead by my own means if I was still there. At the end of the day, all I have is me. I have countless moms who've inspired and raised me and made me not see myself as a waste of space, but ultimately it's my choice to seize my future.

"I've been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand,
Could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man?"

— Disorder, Joy Division

---

I didn't like Joy Division at first when I heard them, I only really liked their song Digital. I was really into alt rap and hip-hop at the time so the rock aspect kind of threw me off. Listening to them now though I feel very at peace knowing a band like theirs existed.

Here's a draft of a poem/story on my write.as. I wanted it to be a short little poem, but it wanted different.

write.as/mara-cav/unstuck

Thoughts + CC welcome

"Every single thing that I shouldn't do
Seems to come so natural
I don't know 'bout you

Feeling so out of touch
Staying inside too much
Introducing all these hands but I'm out of luck"

— Every Single Thing, HOMESHAKE

Super bummed cause I can't get front-row tix to see my absolute favorite musician, but I got to see one of my work mothers today and that was very heart-warming. I hadn't seen her in at least a few months.

Boy oh boy do I love working long hours

*BUT*

Today is and I just want my free donut before it's over 😭

"What would five-year-old you think of the present-day you?"

That's been on my mind a lot for the past week...

My co-worker and I were discussing/venting about some inventory issues we've been having. She got worried that we were being too pessimistic, but to every issue we came up with a solution to counter it. I don't think you're being pessimistic if you seek out solutions.

Being Normal 

Ah, so I made a write.as blog. Feels weird because the post-millennial in me kind of wants that social aspect of people "liking" my posts and to have record of that. But I know it will be good to just have my work on stark display relying on it's own content and character rather than likes.

The last time I was on a train was when I was three.
I remember peeing myself.
My mom tried to be angry
but she could only be sad.
The train was crowded.

Sitting there in her lap I could feel her holding it in.
I think I wanted to cry too.
But that would've been one more thing my mom had to deal with.
I held her hand and stared out the window.
Streams fell down her face onto my back as she returned the gesture.

I was going to ask a question about where I could find something, but then I realized looking is part of the fun.

I'm still a baby, but I get scared everytime a day goes by super quick and nothing happens. I used to be depressed, suicidal -- a hot mess. I didn't want to live the life I was living. Now I'm out of that. It feels weird to have everything you need to be happy at a base level. My brain is warped and it always will be, but all I want to do right now is have one awesome day after another and I know I can have that.

If you're reading this, thank you. I had to get this out somewhere...

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